Liz is forcing me to write today. Geez. So supportive.
No, actually, it’s a good thing she is holding us accountable. I’m the one that let us off the hook last time, because she was in tech week and I forgot it was blog day until about 8pm that night. So we’re long overdue.
I haven’t had a lot of inspiration to continue any of my fiction pieces (I’m sorry, Minty! I’ll get back to you one day!) so this will be a bit random. I apologize. But it’s my last week of work before the choir trip, we have three extra rehearsals before Friday, and my freelance articles are due. So I have a lot on my mind.
Liz suggested I repost something from the old days, which I considered. It certainly would have taken some of the pressure off. But I couldn’t think of what archives I should mine for something worth sharing until I started reading through my old blog. Like, my old old blog. Like, from high school.
I’m not going to share any specific posts, although I will say it’s DEFINITELY worth exploring (if you can remember what the url is. I’m certainly not going to remind you). I started the blog when I was living in La Grande. I have some older journals that I’ve written in by hand, and I’m sure those are also worth re-reading, but these entries are interesting for some specific reasons.
I’ve struggled with depression for a long time, and I was very open about that in high school. I used “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath as a way to talk about how I would be feeling (although my actual review of the book is not great). When I felt particularly depressed and isolated from my friends and family, I would call it a “bell jar” day. I still have them, but I had forgotten that I used to describe them in that way. The way Plath describes this feeling is so specific and so true that I immediately recognized it, even as a dumb teenager. There are various ways in which I describe my depression to myself and to other people, but I may have to bring back the “bell jar” descriptor.
I also talk a lot about the days when I felt genuinely happy and how unique and unusual that is, which is kind of depressing by itself. But the way I described simple things like taking a nap, taking the dog on a walk, enjoying a rainstorm...those things are still true about me. I only now wish I could have the leisure to take the kind of naps I blog about. Blog worthy naps.
It’s also interesting to me the way I spoke about sleep. My therapist and I recently tried to pinpoint when I started having issues with insomnia, and I knew that it started sometime in middle/high school, but I couldn’t think of when. I now have written evidence that it was happening in high school, but we couldn’t come up with anything that had happened that would trigger such a huge shift in my sleep patterns. Perhaps the moves, changing schools, living in a new town. Maybe I’ve just always had trouble sleeping? I’m sure at one point I went from having energy to feeling tired all the time, but I don’t know when that was. Now it just feels like I’ve always been tired and always will be tired.
It’s strange to read through things you wrote when you were younger. I was different, for sure. I was much more religious than I am now, I was occupied with family and friends and church and homework and arbitrary gender roles, and my writing was much sloppier and less censored. But there are so many things that are the same. I love having the house to myself. I love Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (like, I weirdly reference it way more than I probably should, but I do have a tattoo of the number 42, so….....). I love chocolate. I have trouble sleeping. I love my friends. I miss California. I love baseball. There are days in which I feel sad and alone, and days in which I feel the kind of elusive elation that remains fleeting and precious.
So I guess, although my life is so much different than it was back then, essentially I am the same person. I may have different thoughts and different goals and different needs, but there are things that have remained the same. It’s comforting I suppose. The constancy. The permanence of my essence.
In another 15 years, will I be the same?